Our Seattle

Chickenness, Happiness

2010-08-31T16:15:00.000-07:00

On the radio today I listened, briefly, to farmer Joel Salatin describe the importance of allowing chickens to express their chickenness. Otherwise, treated as machines, they can only survive if propped up by artificial means. That got me to thinking about chickens and the way they are - their chickenness, which reminded me a little of children. And I began to wonder how I, as a parent, allow and deny my kids the freedom to express themselves. I didn't start to answer it, but I did like the question.

So here is another, from an article that is taking me over a week to read: Is happiness something you experience? Or is it something you think?

Priorities on the Line

2010-07-15T21:41:00.001-07:00

My landlord and upstairs neighbor, Martha, told me that she knows her priorities are straight when there are clothes on the clothesline. It means you're not rushing around trying to do too much. Hanging clothes is actually one of my favorite chores. I like its rhythm, the fresh air and sunshine, the free efficiency of it. Now that summer has finally arrived in Seattle, I've stopped using the dryer altogether. As a result, I've been spending more time in the sunshine. A lot more time. Who knew one extra little person could triple the amount of laundry? Dagan eats popsicles and waters my pots...

while Penelope kicks it in the shade...

The question weighing on my mind, though, is will I be able to keep my priorities straight once the clouds return?

I probably don't have to say it, but I'm not talking about laundry.

Chop Wood Carry Water

2010-07-08T23:09:00.000-07:00

Now, in this moment when time stands still

I see the possibilities of a person

of you

unfolding endlessly

The clear alpine eyes

are not wise

You know so little

but have an understanding, it seems,

of things I don't

I'm struck dumb by

your physicality

your soft, sweet, sourness

your expectation of

skin, nipples, warm milk.

You are comfortable and

I'm in awe.

When I look up, six weeks have passed.

Always mine,

but still so new to me

I first laid eyes on you today

Right now, those fluttering eyelids

your mouth forming a whisper, then not.

Your open hand reaching, reaching

always reaching.

You are a mirror, a stranger, a delight.

Redemption Flan

2010-06-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Penelope's birthday cake ended up in the food scraps. I know! What a waste. I felt terrible about it, but believe me, eating it would have made me feel much worse. The cake required eight egg whites and I used organic eggs, so the eight golden yolks were waiting in the fridge to be made into something rich and worthy of them. I'm happy to report that I found it.

When Scott tasted this flan he said, "I've had a lot of flan... a lot of bad flan, but this one is amazing."

Now, you should know that at least two of his bad flans have been mine. A coconut flan I made for his birthday a couple years back was particularly terrible. This flan redeems both of those disasters as well as the strawberry birthday cake. It's that good: rich and creamy, the caramel smooth and toasty-sweet.

And the best part? It's super easy to make. This recipe is modified from Cafe Munchkin:

8 egg yolks

1 can evaporated milk

1 can condensed milk

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 cup granulated sugar

1/4 cup water

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees and place a pan of hot water in the oven for the flan's steam bath.

Caramelize the sugar in a saucepan by mixing the sugar and water and heating on high until it reaches a golden amber color. Remove from heat and pour into an 8 inch round baking dish (I used a casserole dish), coating the bottom and part of the sides.

In a bowl gently whisk the eggs, condensed milk, evaporated milk, and vanilla. Be careful not to over-whisk, otherwise your flan will be full of unsightly bubbles.

Strain the flan mixture into the dish with the caramel. Cover with foil. Place the dish in the steam bath and bake for 50-60 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the flan comes out clean.

Allow the flan to cool at room temperature, then chill in the fridge. After it has cooled, run a knife around the edge of the flan and the pan, then invert over a plate.

Princess Penelope

2010-06-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

Today we had a birthday party for my ten-day-old daughter. I baked a Pretty Pink Princess Birthday Cake. The three layer cake, made with strawberries we picked, weighed more than she does and was too tall for the glass lid to fit over the top of the cake tray. It was remarkable.

While making it, Dagan said, "What's that?"

"It's a Pretty Pink Princess Birthday Cake."

"Who's the Princess?"

"Penelope."

"Oh! I didn't know she was a Princess!"

Unfortunately, the cake also tasted remarkably terrible. Fortunately, when my mom comes to visit next week she plans to make an angel food cake with whipped cream and strawberries, which should make up for this disappointment.

However, the cake isn't really the point now, is it? The point is the celebration... and we have been doing that remarkably well. Besides, Penelope slept through the whole party anyhow.

Penelope was born on Wednesday, May 26th at 5:34 p.m. She weighed 7 lbs. 13 ounces and was 21.5 inches long. She arrived early and came quickly. We were able to take her to my little sister's wedding in Virginia City, Nevada. And I have to say, I'm so glad she arrived into my life a week before she was due.

Nesting

2010-05-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

Left to Right: Wayne, Molly, Dylan (barely visible), Rach, Chey, and me.

As a young 4-H member, I raised Californian rabbits and learned skills that still serve me well today. I had to develop discipline to wake up before a freezing dawn to swap out frozen water containers with fresh water. I understood my responsibility to care for the animals - to provide the rabbits with milk jugs of frozen water, juicy chunks of watermelon, and dripping burlap-sack curtains during the desert heat. I learned that life can be unfair and cruel when a neighbor's dogs massacred my pets, killing some and maiming most. But I also learned that justice sometimes prevails - the dogs were put down and damages were paid.

I also learned a number of things that now strike me as completely bizarre - how to tattoo a rabbit's ears, "sex" it, check it for "snuffles," feed it calf manna, harvest Angora rabbit wool, and to always, always take a female rabbit to the male rabbit's cage when breeding them. I was reminded of why recently when a co-worker's 3-year-old daughter came to play with Dagan. She explored our house and Dagan's toys with curiosity while he followed around after her, only interested in engaging his new friend. "Don't you want to play with me?" he implored. To which she responded, "I'm busy looking at these toys right now." If you took a male rabbit to a female's cage he would explore the new territory while she fiercely defended her space. A female rabbit, interested in the male rabbit's digs would ignore him while he, well, went about impregnating her.

It takes just 2-5 minutes. Less than two weeks later you can actually palpate her belly to feel the baby bunnies inside. Soon after that you put a nest box in her cage. She loves that, in her own fussy way. She hops in and out. She rearranges the straw. She pulls fur out of her dewlap and lines the nest. And then, just a month after breeding, she gives birth to 6-8 pink baby bunnies.

I'm acting just like a fussy rabbit (although, no, I am not pulling out my hair). This fussing is actually making me really happy. It's a nice instinct, I think. And particularly nice in spring.

So here's to nesting, and to...

A fully-stocked freezer: two spinach quiches, spaghetti sauce, chicken noodle soup, roasted veggie & black bean burritos, thick & chewy granola bars. (I had to abandon my plans to make lasagna, lentil soup, and enchiladas because there is simply no more room in the freezer.) A flipped mattress, a feather comforter aired out on the clothesline, and washed and fluffed pillows. New baby diapers triple-washed and dried, baby clothes washed, sorted, and stowed away. Home birth supplies purchased. Houseplants re-potted, herbs planted. A multitude of things taken to Goodwill. CD collection sorted. The toxicity of bath and body products checked. Eyedoctor appointment scheduled. Date with Scott scheduled, reservations made, childcare arranged. Important work e-mail reminders sent, but scheduled to be delivered when I'm on maternity leave (magic!). Cleaning supplies sorted and labeled. Pantry cleaned. Spices labeled. Desk organized...

I could go on. I've been very fussy.

But truthfully, the list of things left to do is astounding in comparison:

Set up Quickbooks for home budgeting. Take knitting class. Fix closet door and bathroom faucet. Buy sexy lingerie for sister's bachelorette party. Find silver shoes for wedding. Sew buttons on duvet cover. Take baby stuff to consignment store. Sort medicine cabinet. Sell some books at Half Price Books. Set up VPN connection at home. Get haircut. Buy some cute pajamas. Vacuum, armor-all, and wash car. Install Dagan's new car seat. Clean kitchen cupboards. Clean bathroom. Clean out fridge & top of fridge. Clean baseboards. Sort & clean Dagan's toys and books. Well, and a whole lot more cleaning.

I'm pretty sure this list could keep me occupied for another two months, which I don't have. Which is also just fine, because once my baby arrives I know I'll be perfectly content just to be.

Desire

2010-02-14T20:48:00.001-08:00

My Valentines were very sweet to me: red tulips, the New York Times and breakfast, a trip to the movies, and a couple hours to catch up at work. My gift to them: dinner, Epsom salts for Dagan (who loves salty baths), vanilla ice cream, and Fig, Fennel, & Almond and Hazelnut Crunch bars.

Today I saw two lovers kissing at bus stop under a pale pink umbrella. The young cashier at the movie theater wore a tie with little red hearts on it. It was a rainy, February day in Seattle and I loved it.

Still, something about the day left me full of... wanting. So to get it out of my system, I'm going to list those desires here:

Tickets for a flight to New York to see this Broadway play.
A problem-free computer, as mine keeps re-starting on me repeatedly. Useless!
A babysitter for the evening of 2/23
A little sunshine.
For my 9-day-old cold to finally be over
This clever gadget.
For this website to actually work, and if it did work, for it to not be quite as crappy as it is.
Something new to wear like this or this or this.

I'm consumed by consuming whenever I find myself without credit card debt, which happily, I am right now. Maybe there's an element of self-sabotage here. Certainly, I find it hard to be disciplined. Since I'm the breadwinner in the fam, Scott's very flexible (even encouraging) when it comes to my spending money on silly things. Of course, he doesn't hold himself to that same standard. The problem with treating myself is that a Chai latte break at work snowballs into a number of other frivolities and then I'm back where I was last month - with a credit card bill that makes me cringe. The lesson, I think, is to find ways to spoil yourself without spending money.

I'd love to make another list right here, but I'm afraid nothing is coming to mind. Perhaps another post.

Labor

2009-12-25T21:00:00.000-08:00

Today, after devouring scones with plum jelly, watching Dagan rip through his presents, and curling up on the couch with green tea, I decided to devote my day to reading. I just finished Labor of Love by Cara Muhlhahn, a memoir about her experiences as a midwife with a homebirth practice. She was also featured in Ricki Lake's documentary, The Business of Being Born, but which I have yet to see. Midwives fascinate me. The erratic schedules, long hours, and enormous responsibility would make the profession unappealing to most. Besides that, pregnant women have to be the most obnoxious population to work with. They're (we're) often neurotic and self-absorbed. While I think birth is pretty interesting and amazing, and I while I know from previous experience that labor is fucking painful, I still would get tired of all the women bitching and moaning about the pain during labor. I guess I wouldn't make a very good doula, either.

(By the way, it seems so appropriate to be thinking of this on Christmas. Wouldn't you love to know more about Jesus' unassisted birth? Man, I bet Joseph was freaking out.)

At my prenatal visit on Monday I'll be 18 weeks along. Finally the morning sickness is gone, except when I don't eat well enough. And I'm able to stay awake past 8:30 p.m. I'm feeling the gentlest of kicks and looking forward to finding out the baby's sex this time.

Labor of Love got me thinking about labor tonight, and comparing my foggy memories of Dagan's birth to Scott's. It's astounding that so much is unclear to me. Some of the specifics, like when Dagan's heartbeat began to slow significantly and I was given oxygen... was Dagan in distress because the cord was wrapped around his neck twice? Or was it just that I had stopped breathing well? Was Dagan's passing meconium upon birth a sign that he was in distress? Why did I bleed so much afterward? And why were parts of the placenta still being expelled a week later?

None of this matters, but I'm thinking about it because Dagan's birth is the only preparation I have for the next one. I'm not nervous about labor - not the pain, the process, or any of that. In fact, hours after Dagan's birth I told Scott, "We should have a lot of babies! We're so good at it (Dagan being the obvious evidence) and I feel like I get how to give birth now." I know part of that declaration was due to the cocktail of hormones in my system, but it was probably good I had Mirena inserted months later.

What I am nervous about, is having this baby on the side of I-5 somewhere in Oregon. My little sister is getting married on May 29th, so we'll be driving 14 hours to be at her wedding in Virginia City, Nevada. I'm due three days later. I know it has no significance, but I keep remembering that Dagan was born on January 18th - he was due the 21st.

I need to relax. I know that, but it's hard for a planner like me to let go. So I'm preparing myself for different birth scenarios and trying to become comfortable with any of them. My favorite scenario is this:

I'm huge, so I let Scott unbuckle Dagan's carseat, which is now directly behind the passenger seat instead of the middle to make room for the infant carseat we brought along just in case. The crate full of homebirth supplies wasn't touched all weekend, but it's late and we're tired, so we're leaving it in the car. It was a great wedding and a long trip home. I'm looking forward to meeting our new baby and working with my midwife again.

Cluttered

2009-11-20T16:50:00.001-08:00

There is too much stuff in my life. I've rearranged our apartment countless times, storing unused furniture and toys under side tables, squeezing yet another box or bag of clothing (or clothing-stuffed luggage) under our bed, baby gates under couches, stacking boxes on shelves until they touch the ceiling, and making the very best use of space possible. But is that really the very best use of space?

Maybe not. I'm thinking of June. Another baby. I need space.

In the end, it comes down to purging. I've done plenty - and I enjoy it. There's nothing quite like the feeling of dropping off bags at Goodwill, but clearly I don't do this often enough to keep up with the amount of new stuff we've acquired.

So, inspired by a friend who keeps an in/out box by her front door (nothing new can come into the house until something else leaves), I've decided to get rid of 100 things by the end of this year. And to keep me honest, I've decided to track my progress here.

In the meantime, I'm curious to know:

How many books should I own? Between the internet and the library, is there any value in owning books at all?
Should I be saving anything for the future? That's my biggest worry, that I'll get rid of something that I'll wish I had later... (you know, when I have more space?)
How much of my "past" should I save for sentimental reasons. Photos, letters, scrapbooks, wedding dress, dried roses, 4-H record books, etc.
What would it feel like to get rid of all of the above?

Beginning at the End

2009-08-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

Next week the nonprofit where I work is closed for a furlough. I'm excited about my plans, which won't include doing any of these things. We wrapped up our summer quarter tonight with a community potluck. The goodbyes at the end of the party felt like a relief.

At work, this summer has felt like one long, extended goodbye. Today was the last day of work for a co-worker that I've always thought of first when answering item 10 on the Q12 survey during my performance evaluations. Tasha is remarkable in many ways, but her sense of humor and the way she brought her whole heart to work are things I'll miss terribly.

The economy's impact on our organization is calling us to evaluate priorities and look at ways to be more efficient, so this summer we've begun discussing how to re-organize our work so that we can fulfill our mission. This strategic planning is fascinating and exciting, but it's also messy and disorienting. When we return to work a week from Monday we'll be diving back into that discussion, hoping to emerge at the end of the week with a plan.

William Bridges talks about the neutral zone in transitions - the part of any transition where the ending isn't quite over and the new beginning hasn't quite started. Although the summer in this "neutral zone" has been exactly what Bridges calls, "A disorienting sort of 'nowhere,'" I still welcome all of these changes. Because while it's difficult to say goodbye to co-workers, I'm excited about the new staff and AmeriCorps that are joining our team. My work will probably change significantly this year, and that challenge will be good for me.

So although the long, drawn-out goodbyes were wearying, I can appreciate that it also gave me time to grow accustomed to those losses and even look forward to the new beginnings that will unfold this fall.

But first things first... my furlough week camping trip!

Farewell Facebook

2009-08-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

Reading on my sister, Rachael's, lap.

I ended my short fling with Facebook last night. To be sure, I had fun getting updates on my friends' comings-and-goings and peeking in on the lives of former classmates, but in the end I've decided I'm happier spending my time other ways.

One of which is to actually spend more time with my face in a book. Fortunately for me, I live in a city with an incomparable public library. This Sunday after running errands with Scott and Dagan, I stole into the Ballard Branch to check out a few magazines, but left a half hour later with an elbow-to-chin armload. By the borrowed-book index, it's definitely summer.

The other is that I plan to write some more. That might be letters, or in my journal. Or I might get back into blogging. Mainly I just want to spend some more time thinking about things; writing has always been a way for me to make sense and meaning out of my experiences. I've missed that kind of reflection.

Strawberry Harvest

2009-06-29T21:58:00.000-07:00

Dagan and Ivan

2008-12-10T22:20:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-10T22:06:00.001-08:00

Christmas this year has been so much fun. Viewing it through an almost-two-year-old's eyes is just wonderful.

Dirty Feet

2008-12-10T22:02:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Thanksgiving this year at Battle Ground Lake State Park with Dylan. We rented a little 1-room cabin and had a cozy weekend enjoying the fog, mist, and the things that come with them: namely, mushrooms and newts. At least we think it was a newt. And we didn't "enjoy" the mushrooms, we just took a lot of pictures of them.

Dagan got a little dirty:

But there are remedies for that:

Not a Drop to Drink

2008-06-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight I caught part of a KUOW Speakers Forum that horrified me. The speaker was Maude Barlow, author of Blue Covenant: The Global Water Crisis and the Coming Battle for the Right to Water. Even though I was pulled away by Dagan halfway through, I found it compelling and sobering. I urge you to listen.

Barlow speaks about the "myth of abundance," the erroneous belief that water is renewable and that we will never run out of fresh water. We will. We are in the midst of crisis (think Australia, Georgia, Florida, Nevada... the south, west and southwest U.S. in general, China, India...). What will happen if we continue to pollute and over-use water the way we do now? According to Barlow, by 2025 the majority of the world's population will not have access to clean water. I'll be just 46 years old; Dagan will be 18. The situation stuns me.

And that makes me more afraid than anything else. If I'm paralyzed by this overwhelming situation, how can I act? And if I don't act - if we don't all act - then what?

How do we face this grim reality each day, keeping in mind the urgency of the situation and our personal responsibility to conserve and protect this natural resource without feeling utterly hopeless and depressed? Because once I start feeling that way, then my motivation to conserve water drains away along with my hope.

My family didn't get running water until I was 7. Our water was pumped by hand and later by the wind. Water was cherished by my family - it was hard work getting it and we were oh-so-very-careful in our use of it. In elementary school I often prayed for wind and I was connected to nature in a way that I fear I will never be again. I told Scott once that I would like to live again without water and electricity, like I did when I was young. The idea of paying attention to sunrise and sunset, and adjusting my life to the seasons appeals to me. He thinks it's an absurd idea. But I'm the one who's lived that way before... and I know better.

So my task is to remember how precious water is, to appreciate it, conserve it, (and in order to stay hopeful about the future and to teach Dagan to take care of the earth), to celebrate it. This is (not coincidentally) the mission of River Wranglers, the non-profit organization my mom runs.

And this quote from Margaret Catley-Carlson is a good place to start:

"People ask, ‘What should I be doing about water?’

You know all of those funny little things about turning off the tap, really being conscious that you really don’t need a 20-minute shower, washing your car occasionally and not all the time? This really counts. Why does this count? I’m Canadian — we have seven to 10 percent of the world’s resources. Canadians say, “Surely I don’t have to care about this, we’ve got all the water in the world.”

Well, you’ve got all the water in the world. But you’re not using that river, or that lake, which is all the water in the world. You’re using something which has been collected, it’s been piped, it’s been chemically adjusted to make sure that it’s pure. It has been transported. At each stage of this, there’s pumping, there’s energy expense, there’s expense to the community that could be used for other things. So every time you have a good long shower, you are sending carbon particles into the air just as thoroughly as that truck going down the road in front of you that you’re looking at and saying, “This is why we have global warming.”

Next time you have a 20-minute shower, you’re sending carbon particles into the air, too, because somebody had to pump that water to get there and that pump sent carbon particles into the air. So, yes, you can do quite a bit by your water use. It isn’t just about water, it’s about water, it’s about energy, it’s about a lot of things."

Dagan's 1st Birthday

2008-01-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

A slideshow of Dagan's birthday is here.

Seattle Snow

2007-12-01T17:17:00.001-08:00

Portland-Seattle Thanksgiving

2007-11-25T22:24:00.000-08:00

Another tasty Thanksgiving weekend is coming to an end. Scott, Dagan, and I drove down to Portland yesterday to hang out with Dylan. We made tacos in our hotel room and hung out watching TV and talking. We had an equally lazy day on Friday while Dylan worked, then we all drove back to Seattle that night. Yesterday we cooked Thanksgiving dinner, napped, went for a walk, and rented videos. This morning I made blueberry oven-puffed pancakes and Dylan, Dagan, and I walked around Capitol Hill while Scott studied at the new Victrola on Pike.

Look what Dagan learned to do today:

I'm feeling both relieved and inspired by two things at the moment:

1. A quote by Salvador Dali that I heard on the radio today:

"Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing."

2. The Sartorialist's Friday, 11/23 post titled "A Less Narrow View." It's just great.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-21T23:56:00.000-08:00

Scott's driver's license has been revoked (he'll have to tell you why - maybe that'll get him posting on this blog), so I'm his personal chauffeur for the time being. That is the reason why Dagan and I were at Bastyr at 8:00 this morning eating in the cafeteria. Bastyr has a good cafeteria. While Dagan happily munched on his rice cakes and ducked my attempts to feed him applesauce, I had a blueberry-banana muffin, hard boiled egg, potato pancakes, fruit salad, and English breakfast with milk & honey. (Is tea really all the English have for breakfast?)

Around 8:05 Scott came back to tell us his classes had been canceled for the day. Fortunately the early-morning trip to Kenmore wasn't a complete waste, since the three of us were able to visit the Parent Resource Center (PRC) to meet a parent/board member and one of the staff. There was only one kid there and Dagan was thrilled to see him. He does this sort-of growling breath where he sucks in air vocally whenever he's excited. Children are especially exciting. I think he frightens them, actually. And rightfully so, because if we didn't hold Dagan back I think he probably eat them.

Dagan wanted down on the floor so he could look around and check things out. He'll be spending Tuesday and Thursday afternoons there next quarter, so hopefully he'll like it. Being around other kids will definitely make him happy and hopefully he won't miss us too much while he's there.

I have mixed feelings about putting Dagan into childcare. On the one hand, I never pictured myself needing to do that. I always imagined that by the time I became a mother I'd find a way to stay home with my kids. After all, my parents were able to do it and they didn't have much money. I'm not entirely disappointed that things haven't turned out that way. If things had gone according to plan, then Scott and I would be living on school loans (and living much more frugally than we are). That would've been okay. I think other people might freak at that thought, but I know it would've worked out.

However, if things had gone according to that plan, I wouldn't know the satisfaction of supporting my family financially, of balancing my passion for work with family, of learning to blend the various roles I hold, of seeing Scott as an equal partner and caregiver. That last one is important. I really believe we're giving Dagan a better upbringing than I'd originally envisioned: equal time with equally capable parents.

This year has surprised me in many ways; one of the most pleasant has been discovering the support and flexibility of my boss and workplace. Even though I hadn't planned to work while my kid(s) were young, working motherhood has not turned out exactly as expected, either...

Now I stay home with Dagan in the mornings, getting work done in spurts when he's absorbed by his toys or for longer chunks of time while he's napping. Scott and I switch places in the afternoon so I can head to work. Scott brings Dagan to my office once, sometimes twice, for me to nurse. Otherwise I pump. In the evenings I put Dagan to sleep while Scott makes dinner. Then I wash dishes while Scott does homework. After that I sometimes do a little more work, since it's quiet, uninterrupted time. On Fridays I bring Dagan to the office with me and we set up camp in my cubicle. I put up a baby gate and spread out some toys and we do our best to get some work done. I work 35 hours a week (about 10 hours at home) and can flex my schedule around Scott's classes. Meaning, if needed, I can catch up on weekends, evenings, and early mornings - hours that work very well for mothers. Yes, I am very lucky.

As I write this I have to laugh at the pride I have for the fact that Scott and I were able to swing caring for Dagan ourselves this year. We really didn't do it ourselves. We have a lot of support, a lot of help. Enrolling Dagan at the PRC will not be the first time we're accepting help in raising our son, and it certainly won't be the last. I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving: incredible family and friends, engaging and meaningful work, and all of life's unexpected joys.

Oh yes, and the freshly-baked pumpkin pie that's cooling in the kitchen.

What I Wore Today

2007-11-19T22:41:00.000-08:00

This is what I wore today. Or, rather, tonight. Grey shirt, Nordstrom rack. Orange shirt, Nordstrom rack. Duck-print pajama pants, Mom. Pink socks, Target.

I was going to crop the photo just like Kasmira does, but the way our new orange chair matches my shirt was too irresistible to cut. (Damn! That orange furniture keeps creeping back into my posts!)

Blog Makeover

2007-11-19T22:22:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been feeling bored by my blog. For God's sake, I'm writing posts about furniture! Then, after reading Tasha's most recent blog post, I started to feel similarly perplexed by my original reasons for blogging.

There are as many reasons to blog, I suppose, as there are bloggers, but I have no idea why I started this blog. Was it because I was excited about recovering a chair and wanted to share pictures? That can't be it. It would have been so much easier just to e-mail my friends and family the shots. Why do I keep this thing?

Well, there are two answers to that question. First, every time I tell Scott I'm going to quit the blog he gets annoyed and threatening. "Don't do it. I'll be so mad if you delete it." etc. etc. Funny that he can be so into a blog that he never contributes to. I'm taking him off the list - from now on it's My Seattle!

The second answer has something to do with me being a bit (okay, maybe more than a bit) of a show-off. Once a boss told a co-worker that the reason I got a lot of attention at work was because I was constantly telling everybody what a great job I do. Which, admittedly, was pretty much true (and not an overly bad idea in the workplace, as long as you're not being snotty about it). But in life? C'mon.

Maybe I'm just feeling inadequate next to the interesting, thought-provoking blogs in my list of links. What good is a journal if you stop writing for yourself and instead start thinking about the audience (albeit a very small one) that includes your mother, husband, and boss? Boring. A recent short story I read has me paranoid that everything I'm saying, doing, thinking, and blogging has been said, done, thought of, and blogged about before. Of course, only better.

So it's time for a blog makeover! Yeaaaahhhh!!! I always loved a good makeover. That should keep me going for another couple posts or so.

But seriously, maybe it is time to stop.

Welcome Ivan!

2007-11-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

My newest little nephew, Ivan Joseph, was born on November 14th. He's a big baby (9 lbs 4 oz) and, according to Rachael he has black hair, is soft, and likes to keep his eyes closed. I can't wait to meet him next month when we're home for Christmas.

The O.C.

2007-11-03T15:13:00.001-07:00

I'm a little sad right now. I just sold my orange-flowered armchair to a girl for $50 (which is what the fabric cost me to cover it). I'm glad I was able to sell it, and she was really excited about it... But I'll miss it a little, too.

That chair actually inspired my very first post on this blog. It originally belonged to my Grandma Jane, then to my sister Rachael, and I think then to me. Its wheels were broken off and Marcel re-attached them. It survived flooding in our apartment the week before we got married (well, survived, but not very well... hence the new fabric). Before Laura lent us the Pack 'n Play, it was where we put Dagan to nap.

Well, now there's more space in our apartment. That's a good thing.

Halloween

2007-10-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween everyone!

Sprouts

2007-10-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

On Sunday night I decided to finally try sprouting some mung beans. I've been meaning to do this for months now. It's so simple. I put them in a jar with water, covered the lid with cheesecloth, and tucked them away in my cupboard hoping that I wouldn't forget about them.

On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I rinsed them off, drained them, and put them back. Today I'm going to eat them! Bean sprouts are high in protein and vitamin C, so it sounds like a good breakfast to me. I'll let you know.

Comedy or Tragedy?

2007-10-18T22:14:00.001-07:00

Exhausted / Energized

Ever since watching the movie Stranger than Fiction, I have the habit of thinking of moments in my day as adding up to make my life a comedy or tragedy.

Today had a little bit of both. Since it's 10:17 p.m., I figure I can tally the scorecard.

I woke up before Dagan this morning and got to enjoy watching him snooze draped across my chest (+1). A few minutes later I discovered that the loud raindrops I was hearing was actually the sound of Dagan's diaper leaking onto the bed (-2). I made french toast for breakfast (+1). With homemade oatmeal bread (+1). Dagan fussed all morning (-1). I was annoyed that he wanted to be held, and then felt bad for resenting him for just wanting to be held (-2). I got some work done while Dagan napped (+1). My sister called this morning and we shared funny nursing anecdotes (+1). I taped the bathroom cabinet closed because we haven't baby-proofed them yet (-2) so that I could shower without worrying about Dagan getting into things. The tape fascinated Dagan and he spent my whole shower with curtain halfway open (-1) watching him try to take the tape off the cabinet so he could eat it (-1). My shower lasted about 3 minutes and I had to mop up the wet floor afterwards (-2). I had a grilled cheese sandwich with avocado for lunch (+1), but had to eat it in the car on the way to work (-.5). I matched a student with a new tutor today (+1), but still felt depressed about some issues at work (-1). I met with a co-worker over a chai latte and left with a much better attitude (+2) and a nice caffeine buzz (+1). Dagan didn't nurse either time Scott brought him to me (-2), but I pumped 8 ounces today (+1). Scott fixed salmon, quionoa, salad, and cauliflower for dinner (+2) while I nursed and read books to Dagan (+2). While Scott studied, my caffeine buzz helped me wash dishes, clean up the kitchen, nurse Dagan to sleep, and then mop the floor by hand! (+4) I answered a few work e-mails (+1) before Dagan woke up again (-1). After he fell back asleep I still had energy to write this blog (+1).

Grand total: 5.5!

Whew, I'm living in a comedy!

Blogger Burnout

2007-10-17T21:45:00.001-07:00

I'm not the only one who's back to blogging after a break. Check out what's happening in Burroland. Levy-on-Demand.

I'm doing my best to keep up with Dagan, laundry, my inbox at work, etc. Dagan has been an entertaining rascal lately:

I should have known better when he was so quietly engrossed in the library board book I gave him as I pushed him around the farmer's market on Sunday. I finally looked down to see how he was and found him covered in soggy bits of cardboard. You know that little smile babies make when their mouth is full of something they shouldn't put in their mouths? Yeah...
Dagan loves eating books, paper, leaves, cardboard boxes, string he pulled off the carpet, CDs, picture frames, and shoes, but the minute I offer something edible (say yams, cheerios or avocado to name just a few) he purses his lips into a tight line and twists his head so far around you'd think it was on backwards. We have had a little luck with blueberry applesauce, rice cakes, and spicy chicken meat. Tonight he enjoyed gnawing on penne and then squirting them out of his mouth between those pursed lips.
He enjoys playing with the Cheerios box, though. He discovered the plastic bag inside the box recently, so I took it out since I didn't feel like sweeping Cheerios off the floor. When I cleaned up the kitchen later I stashed some random items in the box: a shirt, a metal spoon, and a toy cup. Scott said Dagan was thrilled today when he looked inside the box and found the surprises. So tonight I stashed some more random surprises for him to discover.
Yesterday he stood up by pressing his hands against the wall and then raised one arm in the air to point it at me and roar. That's his "thing" now, reaching and roaring.
Dagan is training to compete in the freestyle nursing competition. His latest stunt is nursing standing up - feet on my lap, hands on my hips, bottom wiggling in the air. It was amusing until he decided to try that in public. No.

He's such fun, though. He'll be nine months tomorrow!

And to catch up on all the things that happened between my last blog and now, check out my photos.

Dagan Does Laundry

2007-09-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

Dagan and I kicked off our Labor Day weekend with a little housework today (appropriate, no?). It was a breezy, blue-sky day, so it was perfect for hanging clothes on the line. Here are more pictures of my little helper.

Michigan Trip

2007-08-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

Dagan, Scott, and I returned from a week-long vacation in Holland, Michigan to visit Scott's grandparents and his Aunt Kathy and Uncle Chuck. We had a great time and everyone fell in love with Dagan (who wouldn't?). Here are some pictures of our trip.

While we were there Dagan cut his first tooth! He's actually working on two teeth, which you can tell are bothering him quite a bit. Here he is practicing his roar:

Great American Nude

2007-07-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

Mina, Dagan, and I visited the Seattle Art Museum last weekend. It was a great way to spend the afternoon and I was excited to see a couple Georgia O'Keefe's and it was my first time to see an original Frida Kahlo. Dagan enjoyed the museum, too. He was really excited to see the artwork up close. We took a short break in the family room so he could play with some blocks and scoot around a bit and then he napped for about an hour in the mei tei carrier. He's a big fan of pop art and it was not surprising to see Dagan completely titillated by Tom Wesselmann's Nude No. 66. I can't find an image of that particular piece on the internet, but this one comes close.

Okay, so obviously I'm trying to be funny, but as I write this I think what's really funny (strange) is how breast-obsessed I've become since I started breast feeding. Maybe it's unavoidable - a good part of time is spent feeding Dagan, but it's still a little weird. Hm. Then again, there are plenty of guys who are at least as fascinated with their penises. And as of just recently, Dagan among them.

Amazing D

2007-07-07T22:44:00.001-07:00

I had to share some favorite shots of Dagan. I love them because they illustrate how curious he is, and how independent he's becoming (and one of the pictures looks like he's showing a bit of his redneck roots):

Metamorphosis

2007-07-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

They say that having a child will change you, which of course it does. In obvious ways, for sure: I have a freezer full of frozen breastmilk in 2-4 oz. portions. I own a diaper bag. I try to watch my language. I'm using up my entire hard drive storing photographs and videos of my child, who can't even sit up on his own yet.

But there are subtle changes, too. Changes I didn't really expect, that seem to have taken place without my even noticing. Kind of like when you're little and you realize you can suddenly reach somewhere up high without a stool. Or when you look around and realize that spring is suddenly in full-swing. The changes that take time somehow always catch me by surprise.

Dagan is very afraid of loud, shrill noises. He will turn to me with alarm whenever he hears a siren, a loud plane, and (god forbid!) the food processor. If the noise doesn't stop or fade immediately his face will slowly crumple, turn red, and his chin will begin quivering. I think he believes that the loud noise will truly kill him. It's pretty heartbreaking to watch, especially when he's dying inside because you're trying to make some hummus.

After a really great day at Cal Anderson Park on Capitol Hill, Dagan and I returned home. Even though we'd had fun out, I could tell he was happy to be back. He was flashing his gummy open-mouthed grin and gurgling and laughing. And then the next door neighbors started sawing something. The neighbors are really nice - two young guys who work on their shed, or in their shed almost every day of the week. The hammering has never bothered us, but this band saw of theirs must be a new piece of machinery. I just kept explaining to Dagan that it was just a loud noise and that everything was okay. Finally, he pulled himself together but he still looked at me nervously whenever the sawing started up. I turned on some music and closed the windows, which seemed to solve the problem.

Until bedtime, that is. I got him to sleep around 7:15. Then again at 7:35. Then again at 8:00. Then again at 8:30. When he woke up to the sawing at 8:50 I decided it was time to do something I wouldn't have considered doing before: I picked up my sleepy, teary little boy and walked over to the neighbor's shed to ask them to stop sawing. They were totally cool about it! I felt like a complete nerd, but the boy needs his sleep and I need my sanity. So I discovered something new about myself today:

I'm now a boring, annoying parent who enforces bedtime for the whole neighborhood. Sweet dreams everyone!

Diaper Zen

2007-07-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

Dagan and I drove to Georgetown today to pick up some rags from Baby Diaper Service. Their rags are in better shape than the diapers we have now - diapers that Rachael passed down to us (it's actually pretty remarkable that those diapers held up so well - they were "rags" from a diaper service that she'd used with Max and Sam, and now Dagan's using them).

It was a breezy, sunshine-filled day, so Scott and I did laundry this morning. There's something very Zen about hanging diapers on the clothesline to dry... the even squares of soft, white cotton line up so nicely. The activity gave a bit of what D.T. Suzuki might describe as Zen living... at least ten minutes of humility, labor, service, prayer, gratitude, and meditation. On a more pedestrian note, since our landlord put the clothesline up I've noticed the diapers are much whiter - bleached out from the sun.
Scott drove up to Whistler today to spend the weekend at Jeff's bachelor party. Here's where they're staying. Nice, eh? Things tend to slip when Scott's not here. I miss him.

I am, however, determined to do something interesting and fun with Dagan this weekend while we're on our own. Stay tuned...

Rise and Shine

2007-07-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Speaking Up

2007-07-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

Two Years Down...

2007-07-02T21:54:00.001-07:00

Scott finished his second year at Bastyr last week. Yea! Now that the summer stretches ahead of us (and Seattle weather is finally cooperating) we're making plans...

Go on at least one camping trip.
Pick some fruit. Make pie.
Read. I just requested a truckload of books from SPL, so that should keep me entertained.
Go on some day hikes.
Shop at a Farmer's Market every week.
Take Dagan to the wading pool at Green Lake.
Go to an outdoor concert.
Get a cup of the best (iced) coffee in the world and drink it while watching people play chess in the park.
Spend one Saturday at the Lake Washington beach in Madison Park

Those are just a few ideas... What is everyone else planning for the summer?

A Father's Day

2007-06-17T15:59:00.001-07:00

It was difficult to think of something to do today that would live up to the Mother's Day Scott gave me, but comparisons aside, it's been a very nice day. Dagan and I fixed breakfast for Scott while he slept in a little. I had to shoo Scott back into bed three times (I don't think he remembers how to sleep in). After playing with Dagan for a while, Scott was off to a coffee shop to study while I fixed a picnic lunch.

Yesterday Dagan and I went shopping at Pike Place Market to find the best ingredients for a gourmet picnic. We made pan bagnat (a bagette from Le Panier filled with jamon serrano, idiazabal, artichoke hearts, garlic, ajvar, herbs, olive oil, cucumbers, tomatoes, bell peppers, red onions... basically "the works"). The sandwich has to rest, weighted for three hours. They say this is one sandwich that you put under the cooler on your way to the picnic.

We also had piparras drizzled with olive oil and salt, Salumi salami, Rainier cherries, raspberry Izze's, chocolate chip cookies from Le Panier, and some of Scott's favorite wine - Muga (a rioja). It was pure luck that I chose this wine, as I didn't remember that it was his favorite. I love reading tasting notes - they always remind me of slightly risque personal ads. Actually, so does the description of salami on Salumi's web page... and why shouldn't food and drink be so sinfully pleasurable? It should.

Despite the dreary weather, we headed to Golden Gardens and had a great time. We watched the waves and kites while we ate and talked.

One of the best things about having Dagan is seeing Scott as a father. Dagan really couldn't ask for a better dad: he's sensitive, attentive, encouraging, silly, patient, and fun.

Whoa!

2007-06-11T22:24:00.000-07:00

Flower Walk

2007-06-03T21:43:00.001-07:00

Dagan and I enjoyed a perfect June day together. He explored grass (fascinating stuff) while I ate a popscicle (also fascinating, at least to me). We walked to Jemae's house for our PEPS group and enjoyed smelling flowers all the way home. I frequently stop to let Dagan smell the roses - most times he tries to make out with the petals. Today, as you'll see from the slideshow, he discovered thorns as well. Ouch!

I feel pretty lucky to live in such a beautiful place:

Laughter, Friends, and Highchairs

2007-06-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

...all the good things in life. This has been kind of a crazy week for the three of us... just non-stop. For the most part we're keeping our sense of humor and enjoying the beautiful weather. It was good to see Trena, her new baby Anya, as well as Jeff, and Lena last weekend. It's hard to believe it's already June! Dagan's growing up so fast (but not too fast... as you can see, he's still too little for the highchair we bought him).

That's it for tonight.

Tasty!

2007-05-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Dagan is still undecided as to which combination of fingers tastes the best...

Immigration Reform

2007-05-22T22:31:00.001-07:00

Reading about the new immigration bill that's out has prompted me to look through my pictures from last year's immigrant rights march. Scott took this picture, which I love for a number of reasons. I love the sleeping little boy, the nursing toddler, the little family unit sitting together on the steps with the path leading away from them. Of course, the resting picket sign tells the story... Let's hope we can come up with legislation that honors the humanity of immigrants.

Dagan in the Springtime

2007-05-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

I have been having so much fun watching Dagan lately. He seems to be growing and learning by leaps and bounds. He's using his hands to reach for things and on Sunday he rolled over from his back to his tummy for the first time. Here are some things I've observed about Dagan:

He loves the smell of peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies, but as we discovered today he's downright passionate about lilacs. He thinks it's hysterically funny when his Dad talks to him in a growly voice. His face relaxes and he beams whenever the itsy-bitsy spider walks across the bridge of his nose and around his face. He's persistent and focused. Oh, and did I mention how cute my little elf is?

Dyl Pickle Graduates!

2007-05-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

Dylan graduated from UNR this weekend! It was great to be home to see him walk (okay, I didn't actually see him walk since he was waaaaay across the Quad and there were hundreds of people between the stage and us), but I did hear them announce his name (followed by with distinction, no less) so that has to count.

Senator Harry Reid gave the commencement address, but I didn't get to actually hear him speak since he mumbled the whole time. I read this really interesting article in The Sun instead.

Dylan's party at Rachael's house was leisurely, and so it was great fun. Here he is showing off his new "Literate for Life" tattoo. I guess the next graduation we'll attend is Molly's when she finishes her PhD. According to Marcel, who is one of the smartest people I know, Molly is HOT (and he was referring to her work/research, so don't get any weird ideas).

Dylan is still debating whether to move to Portland or Seattle. He's not alone with this dilemma. Apparently soandso, soandso, and soandso prefer Portland, but thisguy doesn't care which city you choose, just so long as you can haul his motorcycle there.

Big news! Dagan is rolling from his back to his tummy! He gets one hand caught under his belly when he does this, followed by lots of grunting and break dance spins (legs twisting high in the air with his chest and chin planted to the floor). What's next?

Some New Favorites

2007-05-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

Peanut butter and strawberry sandwiches. I don't know why I ever stopped with pb & banana sandwiches (which I also love). But now that I'm pairing whole fruit with peanut butter, why stop? I think pb/blackberry, pb/blueberry, pb/raspberry, pb/granny smith apples sliced paper thin, etc. all sound pretty delish.
Adding milk and honey to my iced tea. I always want to order something delicious, cold, and creamy, but not coffee. Again, like pb/strawberry sandwiches, I'm not sure why I hadn't thought of this before.
This blog, which Dylan would also love b/c it's kind of like this site.
Wiki-how, which has recently taught me how to start a non-profit literary magazine, start a fad, pick a teapot, and play jacks. It's a great way for a how-to/self-help junkie like myself to waste time.
M. Ward's roll--oll--ollercoaster song. Love it!

A Mother's Day

2007-05-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

Dagan slept in this morning until 11:00. "It's funny how he sleeps in like he knows it's the weekend," Scott said. Dagan is 4 months going on 15 years. In honor of my first mother's day Scott made me an elaborate brunch: filet mignon, clams, steamed asparagus with fried eggs on top, and strawberry-nutella whipped cream crepes. Oh, and mimosas, tea, and coffee. Yes, I am spoiled silly.

Dagan "bought" me a garnet necklace and earrings - his birthstone. They're beautiful, but my favorite part of the whole day? The little card signed by Scott and a few scribbles from Dagan. "Did he really scribble that himself?" I asked, surprised I didn't know about this amazing skill Dagan has. Scott says that he did.

*****

Dagan must be teething. He gnashes his little gums and makes a kissy face, like he's trying to touch his lips to his nose. Somehow he adds a clicking sound, too. He chomps on his fists, and tries to fit both of them in his mouth at once. He's a slobbering mess: wet sleeves, wet chin, wet chest. Today was rough for him and I could tell his gums hurt. He wanted to be held all day and I indulged us both. We walked around the house, looked out the windows at the cats, napped together, and spent a couple hours lounging on the floor.

Scott forgot that this wasn't my first mother's day. A year ago this weekend I got a call from Christina saying I was pregnant. It was a Saturday, I remember, and I was eating pizza from Crash Landing when she called. After I hung up I called Scott at Pharmaca. "So," I said, "you need to get me a mother's day present." Which, of course, he did.

*****

This blog post wouldn't be complete without recognizing The World's Best Mother. I hope you had a great day, Mom.

*****

Now that I've just uploaded these two photos I feel like I have to say, how is it that I wake up in the morning looking looking so disgusting while Dagan manages to glow like the Noxzema girl? I showered yesterday, but Dagan (and I probably shouldn't admit this) hadn't had a bath in a week.

Water Days

2007-05-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning at 5:30, actually feeling ready to get up. Unbelievable. I started a load of laundry and fixed breakfast burritos while Scott cleaned the bathroom. After breakfast, while I was folding laundry Dagan started to protest being awake at such an insane hour on a Saturday, so back to bed we went. When we woke up a few hours later Scott was already off to work, leaving behind him a dazzling clean kitchen a stack of folded clothes. What a guy!

So I have, what will be, the first Saturday in a month where I won't be sick. I actually had a preemptive visit to the Bastyr clinic yesterday just because I refuse to be sick yet again. Their response was water: water, water, water. As I'm writing this I realize my cup of Earl Grey doesn't count, so I'm going to go get a glass....

Speaking of water, today is Mom's Celebrate the Carson River event. In Seattle we have blue skies and sunshine, so I'm betting it's a perfect day in Nevada. Yesterday, Dagan and I went to the Sculpture Park with some of the students, volunteers, and staff from LS:
There's some waterfront access at the Park and to Dagan, all the amazing sculptures were no match for Mother Nature. He was mesmerized by the Puget Sound. It was so fun to watch him watch it.

Today I'm going to a graduation party for Sarah Taylor, who is graduating from SU's law school. I'm so excited for her - it's such a huge accomplishment. Dylan graduates next weekend (Dagan and I are heading home for it) and I'm excited to see everyone, and to see him graduate. He's thinking of moving up to Seattle or Portland, so either way he'll be closer which is awesome.

Dagan is growing like a string bean: all length and not a lot of width. Scott took Dagan to his neuroscience class at Bastyr for the first time this past week. One of the students said, "he's like a beautiful waif model." Hm. I'm not sure that's a compliment when it's directed at a baby boy, but she's not too far off. This is the leggy little boy I came home to last Wednesday after work:

Aunt Holly Visits

2007-04-28T17:27:00.000-07:00

Aunt Holly came to visit a couple weekends ago. It was a really nice visit, leisurely and relaxing. We spent much of the time just hanging out talking, but we also went for a walk up to Phinney Ridge to visit Santoro's Books, The Fiber Gallery, the Couth Buzzard bookstore, the Orowheat Outlet, and had lunch at a bakery/cafe. On Saturday night we drove to the Olympus Spa in Lynnwood for two hours of pure heaven, followed by some yummy Greek food from Olive You in Greenwood. We also had tea at two very different tea houses: Remedy Tea on Capitol Hill and Floating Leaves in Ballard. I was sick for most of the weekend, so it was nice to take it easy while Aunt Holly treated me to some reiki and aromatherapy. Here she is reading to Dagan and teaching him how to knit:

Back to Work

2007-04-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

April 16th I returned to work. It struck me as odd that a year earlier my pregnancy started on that same day (or so my doctor and I estimated). Isn't it amazing what can happen in just one year?

Yesterday we had lunch with Jill to wish her farewell as she returns to Wisconsin. It was a good lunch, a fun visit, and just plain old depressing to say goodbye. She's happy, it's obvious, to be returning home and I'm glad she's going back because of that. We've been friends for about a year now and I'll miss her.

We had sushi for lunch and talked about changes, of course. Was there anything else to discuss? My ten year reunion takes place this year and I feel like I haven't changed much. Maybe (hopefully) I'm wrong. Do all those little changes add up to something significant? Or is it like my credit card bill: I continually pay it off and charge it up until I find myself, years later, with pretty much the same balance I started with?

On the surface it may appear that I've gone nowhere, but I know it just wouldn't be true. The details do matter, they do add up to make slightly different person. I now eat tofu and chocolate bars that are 91% cacao. I not only recycle, but I recycle food scraps. I impress people with my parallel parking. I fold my shirts front-to-back now instead of down the middle. I have a cell phone. I have a new last name. I have a son. (Okay, some things aren't merely details). Point is, we're always evolving. It's good to look back every now and then, just to make sure all the changes are taking us somewhere good.

Meet the Family

2007-04-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

While in Nevada Dagan had the chance to meet some more members of the Moser and Conlin families. We didn't catch a picture of everyone with him, but here are a few: Grandma Linda and Grandpa Rick, Uncle Larry, cousin Chaja, Uncle Joe & Aunt Breena, Aunt Jessica, Aunt Kristy, cousin Charlie, and Uncle Jeff.

Two of the prettiest pictures: Dagan basking in the quilt Nana made him, titled Palomitas for Dagan and a sunrise one morning at my parents' house.

My Little One

2007-04-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

As you can see, Dagan didn't take too well to having his picture taken with his PEPS friends Nicholas, Luke, and Connor. He did a little better with the Easter Bunny, however:

Nana and Opa announced his birth in the Fernley Leader/Dayton Courier along with his cousin Noah. As I'm looking at this picture of little D. on the Easter Bunny's lap I cannot believe how grown-up he's getting! But then, I just have to scroll up a little to remember that he's still my little baby.

LLL Rookie

2007-04-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

Tonight I attended my third La Leche League meeting in Seattle (my first meeting since Dagan's birth, however). This time I wrote a $40 check to become a member, something that I'd been meaning to do since my first meeting back in December. Nursing was a big part of the way my mom mothered us and I've always known that I wanted to breastfeed my kids. Probably for (what Americans would consider) a long time. Like mom, my sister Rachael became a LLL member and then leader. I'm not so sure I'll follow in their footsteps, but I'm proud to be part of an organization that supports breastfeeding moms.

Actually, I'm proud that I'm in a family that supports breastfeeding. I don't know any other Dads who would emblazon their truck (in my Dad's case it's his old classic Chevrolet dump truck) with this bumper sticker:

So if Dad could decorate his bumper with BREAST-FED IS BEST FED, then I think I can decorate mine with this:

March Highlights

2007-04-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

April has arrived and cherry blossoms are scattered like pink snow across the front lawn of the house we live in. What happened to March?! Well, here's a quick re-cap:

3/3 - My 28th birthday! I made Vietnamese food and we had some friends over (not so much to celebrate my birthday as to set-up a couple friends). It's a month later and I believe they're dating, so maybe my meddling wasn't such a bad thing this time.

3/6 - 3/12 - My sisters and newest little nephew, Noah, came to visit! We had a blast, of course (the Conlin girls are good at that).

3/16 & 3/17 - We celebrated St. Patrick's day with traditional corned beef, cabbage, and carrots. It was my first time making this meal and it didn't turn out so well, but the Chocolate Stout Cake with Guinness in it was delicious!

3/18 - 3/25 - Our diaper service took a week off from us while the owner was in Scotland, so Scott and I opted to wash the diapers rather than suspend service for the week. It was a trial run for us, since we're hoping to go cloth on our own when service ends next week... and we survived! Actually, we're more concerned about having to pin the diapers than we are about rinsing dirty diapers in the toilet, soaking, washing, whatever. Sunflower Diaper Service has the best cloth diapers... they're fitted (so much easier than the pre-fold diapers I'd been used to - and will have to get used to once again).

3/25 - 4/1 - Scott's spring break began and we took off for snowy/sunny Nevada. It was a fun week. We got to visit with the family and relax a little... can't beat that!

Just the Beginning

2007-02-23T13:04:00.000-08:00

Recently Dagan has perfected the art of puking on me. He does this beautifully. So beautifully, in fact, that I thought I should take a picture. Somehow Dagan doesn't seem too happy to be covered in half-digested milk. Wonder why...?

Grandma Mina Visits!

2007-02-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

Grandma Mina came to visit Dagan last weekend. We had a great time visiting and hanging out. We went to the aquarium on Sunday and afterward we celebrated Dagan's 1 month birthday with cake and a toast with prosecco. I can't believe how quickly this first month has gone by. While Mina was visiting we discovered that Dagan's little dimple comes from her - they both have one in the same spot on their left cheeks when they smile.

The Biggest Little Valentine

2007-02-14T16:01:00.000-08:00

I've always loved Valentine's day. My mom always had a way of making the day so special. I remember waking up to fancy breakfasts of waffles and smoothies in frosted glasses. One year she made all of us (well, probably just the girls) lavender sachets for our underwear drawers. Another year we got mugs filled with red hots and kisses. I never thought Valentine's day was just about romantic love... it's about friendship and kinship and any kind of love. This year I didn't plan ahead for a gift for Scott, but I did get him some chocolate truffles and a CD. I considered buying Dagan a little gift, but decided he'd be just as happy with a faceful of kisses. My mom sent him this little Valentine's Day hat, so he did end up with a present as well.

Tonight Scott and I had our first PEPS meeting. It was great - I really like the other families and it was nice just to have other parents to talk to and compare notes with. It was nice to feel normal. And I just loved seeing all the babies!

I've been thinking a lot about this poem that Gaby, one of the LS students, wrote for Dagan. I've been so touched by the generosity and thoughtfulness of the students and volunteers at Literacy Source, our friends, co-workers, and families. We are very, very lucky.

This is Not Me in Me

2007-02-10T17:08:00.000-08:00

Dagan turned three weeks old a couple of days ago, and I find myself dreaming about him almost every night now. It's as though my subconscious wasn't immediately aware that I have a son - I didn't dream of Dagan at all until just recently. Now that I'm having Dagan dreams, they're are all about forgetting him: I go back to work and get immersed in some project, only to realize five hours later that I've left D. in the car... I decide to take a bath, so I fill the tub and start getting towels ready. When I turn around I realize that I've put Dagan in the water and he's half floating, half sinking... gurgling helplessly.

As unsettling as these dreams are, I think they are just about incorporating a new identity. Even after months of pregnancy, I still find it surprising to realize that I'm now somebody's mother. And my feelings about Scott are changing, too, to include his new identity as a dad. Frequently Scott and I are say to each other, "What did you say?" only to get the response, "Oh, I wasn't talking to you." Right, there's Dagan now too. Maybe that shouldn't feel as weird as it does.

I sometimes still refer to Dagan as "the baby" which makes me feel bad, because I think when I do I'm sort of objectifying him. I'm not sure it's fully sunk in that he is an individual, that we're a family, that there's three of us now. It's a thrilling realization when it hits me. I think that thrill will stop once I'm used to all of this, but for now, I'll be spending my dreams rescuing Dagan from myself.

Snews

2007-02-10T16:26:00.000-08:00

Dagan and his Opa seemed to hit it off last weekend when Dad came to visit. On Sunday we walked around Greenlake and came home to fix chili dogs and watch the tail end of the Superbowl. I use the term "watch" very loosely here because I was about as interested in the game as Dagan was - I still don't know (or care) who won, and read instead.

Later, Dad and Dagan cozied up under the newspaper for a little nap.

Olympic Sculpture Park

2007-02-03T17:05:00.000-08:00

Dad, Dagan and I decided to check out the new Olympic Sculpture Park today. At first we weren't sure about going because it was rainy and grey. Dad suggested heading to a mall instead, but I knew that if I let the rain stop me then I'll never get outdoors, so off we went. It was such fun! I have been looking forward to seeing the park since I first heard about it. I especially wanted to see Typewriter Eraser by Claes Oldenburg and Coosje van Bruggen. I became a fan of their work since I attended Cottey and saw Shuttlecocks at the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art in Kansas City.
Typewriter Eraser was definitely one of my favorites - I love how it looks like it's gliding down the hill, but I also really liked Seattle Cloud Cover by Teresita Fernandez (I must have walked under it four or five times) and Eagle by Alexander Calder. We spent an hour walking through the park while Dagan slept in his sling and still didn't get to see all of the exhibits. I'm sorry we missed the Louise Nevelson sculpture (I've always wanted to see one of her pieces in person), but since the park is free there's nothing to stop us from going back again soon!

We spent another hour in the cafe enjoying tea and scones. Today was significant for two reasons: it was my first time nursing in public (whoa!) and I successfully managed to not flash anyone. It was also my first time changing Dagan's diaper while we were out. Fortunately there was a changing table in the bathroom and I discovered that I can wash one hand at a time, while holding Dagan in the other. Maybe I'll be able to graduate to clapping with one hand...? Hm, maybe not.

When we took off from the park Dagan got settled in his car seat just fine, but was very unhappy once we started driving. Fortunately Dad is a patient guy. He suggested that we pull over so I could hold and nurse Dagan, which I did for about an hour until he fell asleep and we could take off again. We ran a couple more errands, which D. slept through, and now Dad is kneading some homemade pizza dough and we're waiting for Scott to return from work & the grocery store with toppings.

All in all, it was a great day.

Oh, and check out the little hat Mom made Dagan! He was so cozy, even in the rain.

Opa Visits!

2007-02-03T16:59:00.000-08:00

My dad drove up from Reno to meet Dagan this weekend. When he arrived, he held Dagan right away and soon the little guy was fast asleep with his Opa. Dad is so good with babies (he'd have to be after having 6 of his own!). It's great to have him here.

70 diapers in 4 days...

2007-01-31T15:40:00.000-08:00

Dagan's pretty good about letting us know when we need to change his diaper. Scott bought me a new little digital camera with video last week, so I've been having a lot of fun capturing D. (if you hadn't noticed). Poor guy... he'll probably never forgive me for posting this. But aren't parents supposed to embarrass you?

One day when Scott came home from school Dagan left Scott a little present... and no, that's not spit-up or drool.

Hip Kid

2007-01-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm not sure giving Dagan a faux-hawk actually makes him "hip," but it sure does look cute on him. He was thinking he was such a bad-ass until I told him that his I love my Daddy sleep sack made it kind of impossible to be considered cool. Speaking of sleep sacks...

Scott did most of the shopping for things on the home birth shopping list Christina (our midwife) gave us. One afternoon he called me to say that he'd found most of the items, with two exceptions. He wasn't sure they were really necessary, though.

"So, Kyna," he said, "won't a sleep sack be kind of inconvenient when you're in labor." Yeah, he thought the sleep sack was for me!

The second question he had was, "What are rubber pants? Is that like a track suit or something?"

"What are you talking about?" I said

"The list you gave me had rubber pants on it."

"Well, I have no idea what rubber pants are. Are you sure that's what it says?"

So anyway, long story short it turns out that I had written rubber pants on my list. And rubber pants are apparently another name for plastic pants, or diaper covers, or whatever. How did I know that? Anyway, I just think it's funny that he was trying to buy me a drawstring sleep sack and a track suit for labor. Too cute, but not as cute as this guy:

All Wrapped Up

2007-01-29T22:51:00.000-08:00

Dagan and I got a Maya Wrap from Rachael, so this week we've been trying it out. In the process I'm learning a few things about my son. First of all, he likes to know what's going on around him. This means that lying down in the sling (above) is really not an option for him. It's not that much fun for me, either. Fortunately there are other ways to carry him. So far he seems to prefer being chest-to-chest so he can peek out and enjoy the view. I love the wrap - it frees my hands up to get stuff done and I still get to hang out with my favorite little boy.

Dagan's First Bath

2007-01-28T20:44:00.000-08:00

Dagan's umbilical stump fell off on Tuesday. Yea! I was so excited for him to be rid of it. As I was heading to throw it away I thought, maybe Scott will want to see it first. So I put it in a little ziploc bag for him. When Scott discovered Dagan's umbilical-free belly button he was so excited. "Where's the stump?" he asked. Thank God I saved it! I thought. Turns out, Scott actually wants to keep the nasty dried-up thing. Hopefully he'll take it out of the ziploc bag and let it completely dry out, otherwise it might start growing mold or something. Ugh!

Since Dagan was finally free of the umbilical stump we could actually give him a bath! This was our Friday night date and the beginning of Dagan's 2nd week in the world. He loved the bath, but wasn't so crazy about getting dressed afterwards. So far Dagan mostly wears a receiving blanket and a diaper. I can't help it... he's too soft and cuddly to bundle up in clothes.

Dagan and Nana

2007-01-28T14:38:00.000-08:00

My mom came to visit for Dagan's birth and stayed for a week to help us out. Since Dagan was early she nearly missed his birth. She arrived around 6pm on Wednesday night and she didn't sleep until... well, I'm not sure. Dagan was born at 8:34 the next morning and I know she was up for most of that day.

Having mom here was so wonderful. Since Scott was sick with the flu, she was able to help all of us get some rest and also a lot of family time with our newborn. She actually didn't get to hold him too-too much because his Dad and I were too enamoured with him to let go for long.

Here she is with Dagan on his birthday. She made him a little chocolate cake with peppermint frosting (my favorite!). Over the weekend she worked on Dagan's birthday quilt, which is beautiful. He's going to love it!

It was sad to see her go on Wednesday morning, but at that point we were ready to start cooking and cleaning up after ourselves.

In the last picture mom is telling Dagan that he will grow up to be strong and smart and kind. If he's anything like his Nana, then he will definitely be all of those things. A few days ago mom left us a message on the answering machine. Dagan was nursing when I played it and when he heard her voice his eyes shot open and he looked around. It definitely seemed like he recognized her voice. She and his Opa (my dad) will have to visit lots!

More Friends...

2007-01-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

It's been so nice to have visitors all week (we just love showing Dagan off). Here he is with Mike (our upstairs neighbor), Kit (from Literacy Source), and Elias (from Bastyr). As you can see, he's one sleepy little kid. I think he slept through almost all of his visits.

I met Elias at an end-of-the-year party for first year Bastyr students. We had a good discussion about male lactation* (!) and I was really impressed to learn that Elias plans to study midwifery. Elias's website has some great songs and my favorite, the Auscultation Song, is like a sweet love song, Sesame Street style. When Dagan begins going to Bastyr with Scott, mabe Elias will teach him this song. (Dagan already has his own Anatomy coloring book and I overheard Scott telling Dagan, "These are your hands, these are your arms..." and when Dagan's stomach gurgled, Scott said, "and those are your intestines..." Cute!)

Scott, Dagan, and I went to the doctor for his one week check-up yesterday and he had his second PKU test (another heel-stick). He handled it like a champ and got a Snoopy Band-Aid. I used my Maya Wrap sling (thanks Rach!) and we walked around Roosevelt neighborhood and ate lunch at Whole Foods.

*A side-note: Dagan had little milk-bud nipples when he was born, thanks to all the prolactin in my system!

Favorite Photos from Dagan's First Week

2007-01-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

I know, I know... the first week hasn't technically ended. However, as Dagan turned a whopping 6 days old today I found myself referring to his "baby pictures" from day 1. Aye! This will go by quickly, I can tell. So I figure I'm allowed to reminisce about the past week.

Here Dagan and I are, enjoying our very first Monday together. I told him that most people despise Mondays, but that they're actually not that bad. Especially when it means you get to snooze on the couch with your Ma while your Nana works on your birthday quilt. Don't you just love those little hands? His fingernails are perfect.

This is a picture from day 1. Doesn't he look so sweet and sad?

And speaking of sad... he got his PKU heel-stick test on Friday, so here are his little ink-stained feet and band-aid. Dagan has toes that grip your fingers like little monkey feet (as Tasha says) and they wiggle and squirm constantly (Scott says he gets that from me). By the way, the band-aid was torture to take off, even going slowly and using olive oil.

Dagan's Friends

2007-01-23T13:07:00.000-08:00

Eileen

Carrie

Anne

Jill

Michelle, Ezekial & Jeremy

...and Martin and Tasha, who were too cute not to capture as they completed the Dagan hand-off. It looks like a game of Twister, but you've got to give them credit... Dagan didn't stir one bit!

Lucky kid!

Dagan Sends His Love...

2007-01-20T20:42:00.000-08:00

Here are some kisses from Dagan...

I love spending the day just getting to know my little boy. He makes the cutest, funniest faces:

Father & Son

2007-01-20T20:21:00.000-08:00

When I first saw Dagan I thought he looked like nobody but himself. It wasn't until we looked up some of Scott's baby pictures that I realized how much little D. looks just like his Dad. What cuties, eh?

Dagan Donosti Moser

2007-01-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

Dagan Donosti Moser was born at home in Seattle on Thursday, January 18, 2007 at 8:34 a.m. He weighed 8 lbs. and is 22 inches long. He's amazing and beautiful and perfect and has a striking resemblance to a baby turtle or little turkey vulture (and I mean that in the best way possible... I am his mother after all!). Actually, he looks a whole lot like Scott did as a baby. I'll have to post some side-by-side comparisons later. The little guy has blue-grey eyes right now and a lot of super-soft blonde hair. He has long fingers (and long, scratchy fingernails too!) and long feet. We're so happy he's here! We'll post more pictures later.

Noah Domingo Satica

2007-01-09T19:58:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of my newest little nephew on his birthday (with his cousin Chaja). Noah was born at 1:06 p.m. yesterday and weighed 8 pounds 12.5 ounces and was 21+ inches long! Cheyenne and Noah are both doing great and I cannot wait to meet the little guy.

Full-Term

2007-01-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

At 37 weeks pregnant, I have to say that I feel enormous. People still comment that my belly is pretty tiny, but I just think they have no idea what I looked like nine months ago. Speaking of which, this is my newest excuse for things, "You really want me to do that when I'm nine months pregnant?" Actually, I shouldn't be using any excuses at all. I feel good and don't have much to complain about (although memories of what it's like to sleep through the night are already fading... and I don't even have a newborn yet). Scott and I are still tossing around ideas for baby names, so I imagine the kid will get a name once we actually meet him/her face-to-face. I can't wait! I've been having more Braxton-Hicks contractions, which are kind of strange, but not in a bad way. Scott is back to school on Monday, so this should be an interesting quarter for both of us. Who am I kidding? It's going to be an interesting year...

Three Kings' Day 2007

2007-01-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

Today is Three Kings' Day! Scott and I opened our stockings (filled by the Three Kings, of course) and got a lot of great loot. My stocking was stuffed with the new Damien Rice cd, candles, gloves, lotion, chapstick, etc. and Scott got chocolates, jasmine pearl tea, green olives, praline icecream topping, gloves, and more. I made Scott's stocking last year (on the left, the little Basque boy at the Festival de San Fermin) and my leprechaun stocking was made for me by my mom when I was little.

New Year's 2007

2007-01-06T14:05:00.000-08:00

Scott and I celebrated with some friends he met through work: Adea, Karen, and Nancy (lower left corner) and Karen's friend Becca. We had dinner at Phuket, a Thai place on Queen Anne and then celebrated at Karen's house over wine, champagne, and sparkling cider and a couple games of Jenga. Scott and I left around 11:00, so we missed the Seattle Center's fireworks (Karen had an awesome view of the Space Needle), but we were home and in our pj's before midnight. It wasn't bad to wake up on the first day of the year without a headache!

Christmas 2006

2007-01-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

Scott and I celebrated Christmas at home this year. We made cardamom rolls (mmmm!) and had a nice, leisurely breakfast and opened presents. In the afternoon Martin and Jill came over for dungeness crab and cheese fondue appetizers, followed by beef tenderloin, salad, and baked potatoes. We finished off with blueberry cheesecake. We never ended up getting a Christmas tree, or decorating the place (with the exception of a wreath our neighbors gave us for our door), which made it seem a little less like Christmas, but we had a great holiday nonetheless.

Convenient

2006-12-14T23:28:00.000-08:00

I just discovered that I can use my belly as a place to rest a glass of water when I don't want to hold it anymore. This is a nice feature of pregnancy that nobody told me about.

Cheyenne is 38 weeks along tomorrow. Almost there!

Snow Days

2006-11-30T20:04:00.000-08:00

This week we got snow! It was hardly much at all, but enough for Bastyr and Literacy Source to close for a couple of days. Scott and I celebrated by buying Paperwhites, sleeping in, and eating stacks of pancakes with maple syrup (a la Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs).

Thankful for Smoke Alarms

2006-11-30T19:54:00.000-08:00

This year we celebrated Thanksgiving at our house. Jill and Martin came over to celebrate with us and we spent the afternoon cooking and eating. The girls beat the guys in a game of Trivial Pursuit and we all had leftovers to take home. Scott and I have a tradition of listening to Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant" on Thanksgiving Day... something to remind me of home, and especially my Dad. I actually listened to the song again this morning while I was picking up the place before I left for work. Our Thanksgiving did have a little drama, though. I burnt the marshmallows on the yams. As you can see, they resemble charred blueberries. Not to worry, Jill and I just scraped them off, added more marshmallows and put them right back in the oven.

Son of a What?

2006-11-22T22:45:00.000-08:00

When you decide to wait on finding out the sex of your baby, you inevitably get lots of predictions from people. Yesterday one of the ESL students I work with said I seemed so small for almost being 7 months along. She asked if I was having a boy or girl, and when I said I didn't know she leaned back and looked at my belly.

"I think you're having a boy," she said.
"Yeah?"
"Because in my country if your belly is out front and not around you," she gestured, "and if you have an ugly face, then it means you're having a boy."

Wow. Flattering.

So, thanks to Photoshop, we can all get a sense of what my future son-of-an-ugly-mother will look like:

Butterball Baby

2006-11-19T22:41:00.000-08:00

On Friday afternoon a man said to me, "Hey butterball! Looks like you're just about done. Has your belly button popped out yet like a meat thermometer?"

"No," I said. "We've still got a couple months to cook."

Happy Birthday Scotty!

2006-11-09T20:58:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday Scott! Yesterday Scott turned 31 years old, so we celebrated at Bizarro Italian Cafe in Wallingford (yum!). Italian food is the theme this week - we had polenta on Tuesday and we're having mushroom risotto tomorrow, and Scott asked if we could make pumpkin ravioli this weekend for his birthday dinner.

Scott got a new pair of pajamas that my mom made. You can't really tell from this picture, but they have monkeys and bananas all over them. I won't tell you how Scott was posing with this banana just before I shot this picture, but from the look on his face I'm sure you could imagine.

God, thirty-one year olds are so immature.

Still, you gotta love him. Happy birthday Scott!

Happy Halloween! Arrr!

2006-10-31T21:26:00.000-08:00

Here I am with Jimi Hendrix (on a safari) and the Queen of England. Our Toshiba copier rep came by to bring us a new copy machine and said, "Ohhh, right. You're dressed up because today is Halloween."

Did he think I wore an eyepatch and carried a sword on a daily basis?

Three Questions I Hate

2006-10-30T22:02:00.000-08:00

Oh, you coordinate ESL classes? How many languages do you speak?
Maybe I hate this question because I'm embarrassed that I'm not fluent in any other languages other than English, but I also get annoyed that people think you have to speak a foreign language to teach English. Also, I don't teach English - I coordinate classes, which is pretty different. I usually answer by explaining that our students speak more than 45 different languages and all of our classes our multi-lingual, so they must be taught in English. I'm certainly not opposed to bilingual education, but I do think that adult learners will progress faster if they attend classes taught in the language they're learning. And if you're still skeptical that it can be done, then I encourage you to volunteer with an organization that does it.

So did you plan to get pregnant, or was this a surprise?
This is just personal, and one caveat - it's not offensive coming from a close friend, but from anyone else it's a little awkward for me to answer. Are people really asking me whether or not my husband and I were using contraception? Is this something they really want to know? Why?

Would you rather have a boy or a girl?
There's no good answer to this question and it feels like a set-up. I also dislike the assumption that everybody has a preference.

This is not me in me

2006-10-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

Given that I'm pregnant, I now have a legitimate excuse for being emotional. Funny thing is - I really haven't been all that emotional lately, with three exceptions:

My friends and family are being super generous and nice about wanting to throw me a baby shower. It makes me feel awkward to fly all the way home just to be showered with presents, so I said thanks, but why don't Scott and I come visit over spring break with the baby? When people offered to buy me the ticket it made me turn into a crying mess on the phone. Maybe it's my pride, but it just makes me feel overwhelmed by how nice everyone is... and all for the silly reason that you got knocked up and they love you.
I was listening to this program on Weekend America, titled "Sibling Reunion" (scroll down to see it) one Saturday morning and burst into tears unexpectedly. Then, yesterday, when I was telling my former AmeriCorps director (who works with foster kids transitioning out of the foster care system) about the story, I started to cry again.
I read this article over lunch yesterday, and it made me feel so sad I was compelled to tell everyone in my office about it. This morning I was telling Scott about these elephants and how they were grieving over one of the humans they killed and... Anyhow, I had to sit in the car for an extra few minutes while I composed myself before I went into work.

**********

Scott and I had an appointment with our doctor this morning, but she still wasn't able to hear the heartbeat with the fetalscope because the baby's back was against my back (once again). As Dr. Gutierrez measured me and tried to find the heartbeat the baby knocked against my belly button and all around my belly... little bumps and bulges and wiggles underneath my skin. "Well," she said, "We don't need to worry about hearing the heartbeat because we can obviously see you have a lively kid."

So in the absence of other information about our baby, Scott and I spend a lot of our time puzzling over what we do know: namely, that s/he is very, very active. Which leads me to think a lot about personality. Is this a sign of this little person's personality? It's weird to think of parts of me and parts of Scott making up this completely new person who has his/her own... self. I'll never be more connected to this baby than I am right now - (everywhere I go, you go my dear...) and we share the same nutrients, listen to the same music, feel the same heartbeat. My movements affect the baby and his/her movements definitely affect me. Yet, I feel our separateness every time s/he moves - it's an assertion of differentness: this is not me in me. So I wonder, what of me is in this baby? What of Scott? Will s/he be sensitive? Shy? Funny? Feisty?

Lately the baby has started sliding an arm, or maybe the back of his/her head, across the top right side of my belly, just beneath my ribs. It slides slowly back and forth as if s/he's nestling in, or rocking.

Sometimes when the baby is super active I'll hum "Leaving on a Jet Plane" and then s/he stops for a little while, as if to listen better.

Scott is taking an embryology class, so he's learning about the way that a human fetus unfolds and grows, like a flower or the universe. He also learns a lot about what happens when things go wrong: babies with cleft palates, cleft lips, genetic defects, and so on. And the conversation always ends with one of us trailing off, I wonder if our baby is okay.

I read somewhere that worrying is the work of motherhood, and I think that's very true. Cheyenne tells me she worries that her baby doesn't move enough. I worry that my baby moves too much. My doctor weighs me and sees that I've gained 1 lb. this past month and says, "That doesn't worry me because you're still on track--you gained a lot in the beginning." And when she leaves the room I say to Scott, "I'm worried I'm not gaining enough."

Worrying is what you do... because sometimes you just get tired of humming the same old song.

Mom Cut

2006-10-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about getting my hair cut lately. Actually, it's something I think about, and complain about, all the time. Scott is very accustomed to this conversation, and so I think he's able to go through all the motions without actually listening anymore (and I can't blame him). It usually goes something like this:

Me: I hate my hair.
Scott: Your hair looks fine.
Me: No it doesn't. It looks horrible.
Scott: Well, why don't you cut it.
Me: What do you think it would look like cut to my chin?
Scott: I always liked your hair short.
Me: Or with bangs?
Scott: I think they'd look good, but you always regret bangs.
Me: I know. I'm just so bored with it.

And we have this conversation repeatedly, every month or so. And then one day, without any plan I'll walk into a salon and try to figure out a cut with a stylist, which I inevitably end up hating because I've always hated my hair - no matter how it looks.

I should really just give up. For Scott's sake, at least.

But lately I feel like getting a haircut is not only a big headache, but also a trap. Scott teased me once that I'd be getting a "mom" cut soon, which I think pretty much means that if I cut my hair shorter than shoulder-length I'm destined to look unattractive, or at least sexless.

Even Baby.com says getting a "mom cut" is the fifth milestone for becoming a mom. I suppose one of the milestones they didn't list is that I'll start wearing "mom jeans" too. Oh, God. So today I told Scott I was going to Rudy's for a haircut, but after searching the web for a picture to bring in (which I never do, so at least I was attempting to have some sort of plan) I've changed my mind. I read somewhere that if you walk into a salon and say, "I want a cut that requires no styling whatsoever" (which, by the way, is exactly what I told my last hairstylist) you might as well say, "Give me the dorkiest mom-cut you can manage, because I have neither the energy nor the interest in looking attractive." And then I'll wind up looking 20 years older than I am.

Lucky

2006-10-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

Right now Scott is running around the corner for me to buy me a snickers icecream bar. I know it's a cliche for me, pregnant, to be asking him to do this, but it's what I wanted and he was pleasant about going for me.

It just makes me think about how lucky I am to have Scott. I skipped work today and spent the whole day reading a novel (Beautiful Lies by Lisa Unger, it was decent) and sleeping. We had a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink and on the counter, but I called Scott at work (mind you, this is after he had a test in his Gross Anatomy lab this morning and was in the middle of an 8 hour shift at work) to say, "Do you mind if we do the dishes together tonight?" And he said, of course, that no, that was fine.

So around 5 pm I finally showered and then walked to Ballard Market to buy ingredients for dinner. When he came home I'd organized and stacked the dishes, cleaned off the counter and the stove and was starting dinner. And what did he do? He just filled the sink and started washing. And he'd brought me home the Gilmore Girls DVD I'd been waiting for.

Anyway, my list of reasons as to why Scott is wonderful is really limitless, but he just came home with my icecream and I have a DVD to watch...

Whitney's Wedding

2006-10-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Whitney got married! Her wedding was absolutely beautiful with the autumn leaves changing colors. It was at Wally's Hot Springs and the sky was overcast, so everything looked so intensely bright. Later in the evening it started to rain--I'd forgotten how heavenly the desert smells during a rain (which is supposed to be good luck on your wedding day!). It was so great to get together with Coral, Jenny, Jennifer, and Whitney. I have to laugh at this picture below because it reminds me of a picture taken almost ten years ago (yikes!) when we graduated.

This isn't the shot (where's Coral?!), but it's the closest one I have. It's so nice to have friends who knew you "back when..." and we spent some time reminiscing about our senior year: smoking cloves on top of John Ascuaga's parking garage, eating Ben & Jerry's, hanging out.

Whitney looked amazing at her wedding and I know she & Dave have many happy years together (and according to the palm reader we took Whitney to on her 18th birthday, they'll also have five sons!)

Even though...

2006-09-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

I recently got an e-mail from my friend, Han, who volunteered at my office last year while he was studying English at Seattle University (he's from Korea). Han spent Thanksgiving with Scott and me and after he politely tried all the strange traditional American food (I think cranberry sauce freaked him out) and ate some pumpkin pie with homemade whipped cream (er, butter, yeah I whipped it a little too good) we spent the evening swapping slang (and if you know Scott's sense of humor at all, you'll get an idea of how ribald this might have seemed to Han).

I'd frequently give Han a ride to the bus after we closed the office and we'd talk about Korea and America and all the weird and painfully funny things that happen to you when you're a stranger in a strange world. Han was one of the first people I told that I was pregnant (the first time, in December). I was so excited I had to tell someone. He congratulated me and then said he felt weird knowing and he was sad that the first time he'd heard someone say that it was me and not his girlfriend. I guess I hadn't realized how telling him might be rather inappropriately intimate for Han and his honesty was as sweet and funny as it was deflating (I didn't even bother joking that he wasn't the father). He sent me a really nice e-mail after I miscarried.

We've kept in touch via e-mail and his most recent message made me feel really happy in a nostalgic/wistful sort of way. I should use a Korean word here, but the In Other Words untranslatable word that I know for this is Japanese: mono no aware, meaning something along the lines of "'enjoying the sadness of life,' it's that bittersweet, vaguely poetic feeling you get around dusk, on a long train journey, looking out at the driving rain... a few autumn leaves still clinging to your coat."

Sent: Friday, September 22, 2006 6:11 AM
To: Kyna Moser
Subject: Congratuation

Hi Kyna!

I heard from Martin that you and Scott have a baby even though he or she still in your body

I really want to say "congratuation"

I totally believe that You are already ready for good parent

I wish you have to take care yourself for you and your baby

Have a rest as enough as you need.

I really awnt to meet your baby someday

I will send E-mail soon

Thank

HAN

Note to Self...

2006-09-26T23:29:00.002-07:00

when planning an ESL class for Muslim students:

1. Don't start it the Monday after Ramadan begins.
2. Don't hold it at sunset, when fasting breaks.

Recuerdo

2006-09-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday we all took a ferry ride to Bainbridge Island. We drove up the Olympic Peninsula to Sequim, where we went for a walk out on the Dungeness Spit. Sequim is known for its lavender fields and dungeness crab, two of my favorite things. It was a gorgeous day and we ended it with pie at a little diner in Sequim.

On the way home we stopped at Kerry Park on Queen Anne to take in the Seattle skyline. It's hard not to love this city.

"We were very tired, we were very merry--
We had gone back and forth all night on the ferry;
And you ate an apple, and I ate a pear,
From a dozen of each we had bought somewhere;
And the sky went wan, and the wind came cold,
And the sun rose dripping, a bucketful of gold."

--From Recuerdo by Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1920

Ballard Locks

2006-09-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, while Mina and Joe were visiting, we headed to the Hiram M. Chittendon Locks in Ballard. The gardens around the Locks were beautiful and it was fun to watch the boats come in, the Locks fill up, open, and drain. We were in the middle of one of the largest Chinook Salmon runs in ten years, so the fish were jumping like crazy! You can walk downstairs to view the fish ladders through windows and it was unreal to see all the salmon swimming up toward Lake Union. Made me hungry, actually...

Molly's Alterna-Birthday

2006-09-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

...was on 8/13, and she just so happened to be in Seattle for a long layover that day. I picked her up at the airport and we headed downtown, stopping along the way for a picture at the Starbucks Global Headquarters.

After that we were off to the Pike Pub & Brewery for lunch: radishes with butter and salt as an appetizer (odd, but pretty tasty), spinach salad, and crab chowder. Molly had a Kilt Lifter (apparently she hadn't had enough of this beer in AK-49).

Then we stopped at the Frye Art Museum to see Trimpin's Klompen clog sculpture and then it was off to Top Pot Doughnuts for coffee and... well, doughnuts. Mmmm.

We killed some time at Half Price Books before making our way over to Pike Street for some Belgian fries at Frites, which we ordered with different dipping sauces. These are the best fries in Seattle: super hot, salty, and unbeatable when they're dipped in horseradish sauce, or adobo mayo, or hot mustard.

We headed to Bastyr to check out the herb garden and walk the Reflexology Path. One time through was painful, but we stopped to rest under a hops-covered gazebo and the second walk through was much more bearable.

We finished up the day by eating at a little neopolitan pizza place in Wallingford.

Growing into Motherhood

2006-08-29T21:16:00.000-07:00

My nineteen-week-old baby has been kicking me in the stomach all day. I'll try to spare you the "little soccer player/gymnast/acrobat/kung fu fighter" comments that inevitably seem to follow. It's both wonderful and disturbing at the same time. Scott has felt the kicks, too, which was really exciting. A couple nights ago I thought I was re-enacting that scene from Alien because my little 5-6 inch kid was moving around like a ping pong ball. I had to wake Scott up three times to go, "Oh my GOD, you have to feel this!!" At one point you could feel this hard little knot of a baby on my lower right side. It didn't feel so great, actually, but it was so neat to feel him/her!

I am getting big. It's weird to hold up a pair of pants that look enormous, then pull them on and realize they fit--snugly. It's even weirder to have to retire my jeans to a bottom dresser drawer as I grow out of them. My body is changing faster than my perception of myself. I had to run for the bus today, and then realized that running really isn't that great of an option anymore. I guess I'll have to start being on time. How responsible. This must be how we grow into motherhood... literally.

Sometimes it's a little depressing, all these changes in my body. For example, last night I tried on some maternity clothes and realized that I look like a bowling pin, or weeble wobble doll. (Scott thought this was pretty funny, but then it's not his hips, butt, and belly that are expanding at such an impressive rate). In fact, when I saw Molly earlier this month while she had a layover in Seattle she said, "I didn't recognize you at first because your butt was so big."

I'm not complaining. I'm marvelling. I want a big galactic-sized belly. I want satellites, rings, a moon...

I just got kicked. I think my kid agrees. More room to stretch. Room to grow.

Of the Neighborhood

2006-08-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today I had proof that I really am a 65th Ave. NW girl. I walked home from work, stopping for an eyebrow wax up Fremont Ave. and then skirted around the zoo and walked down Phinney Ridge to my neighborhood. As I was crossing 65th I saw the pizza guy walking down the street--not the owner of Crash Landing, but one of the young guys that works for him. And he waved! "How's it going?" he said, like we were old friends. And it made me feel completely, undeniably of the neighborhood.

From Prima Gravida to Quickening

2006-08-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Monday this past week was kind of bittersweet for me. August 14th was my due date for my last pregnancy. I just felt sad about it for most of the day. I also told one of our volunteers that I was pregnant, and my does word travel fast at Literacy Source. Apparently he told his student in the tutoring room and another student overheard... as we were closing up that night I got a lot of congrats and smiles from our students. And my first belly-rub, from Miyuki. It was really cute. She kept attempting before she finally went for it and rubbed my belly. It was kind of sweet, actually. Maybe because it was Miyuki, though.

I'm 18 weeks along now, so I'm almost halfway through the pregnancy! Scott says it's obvious that I'm pregnant, but I think not. For example, when this old lady at the grocery store cut in front of me and I said, "Oh, excuse me, I'm waiting in line, too." She gave me a dirty look and kind of huffed her way to the end of the line. Obviously she didn't notice that I was expecting, otherwise I'm pretty sure she would've been more gracious about waiting her turn. I know old ladies get preferential treatment, but from what I hear most people yield to preggo women, too. (Not that I'm saying anyone should or anything... it's just what I've heard). I'm using that as my litmus test for looking pregnant and according to my neighbor, Martha, I'm simply looking "thick."

I asked Scott how much he thought I'd weigh before the pregnancy was over and he said 125-130 pounds. I guess he doesn't know that I'm only five pounds away from that. I'm thinking (hoping) it'll be more like 140.

There are some really cool terms for different things in pregnancy. Like prima gravida and quickening, which happened a week ago Thursday. Our kid woke me up in the middle of the night doing cart wheels or something. Since then I've gotten a little more used to the feeling, but sometimes it's a little unsettling--especially if I'm trying to work. I just have to stop because I can't think straight when it's happening. I can't wait till Scott can feel it, too.

Our next doctor's visit is Friday and I'm hoping we'll get to hear the heartbeat.

My Celebrity Look-Alike Family

2006-08-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

I never realized how much Dylan resembles Ashley Olsen or that Sam and Laura Bush share some facial features. Check out my celebrity look-alike family:

Ear-ly Detection

2006-08-08T19:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, I realize that these are some really strange pictures, but I learned something recently that is too fascinating not to share. It has nothing to do with the fact that my right ear is yellow and my left one is red or with the fact that I have funny-looking ears (I had to tell Scott to quit giggling everytime he looked at these pictures). If it you haven't figured it out yet, mine are the ears on top--the ones without sideburns.

During my second acupuncture treatment I told the clinicians that I thought I might be pregnant. I admitted that I probably wasn't; after all, two pregnancy tests said otherwise, but I still felt like I was. The acupuncturist asked to look at my ears. Then she said, "Well, we're going to treat you today as though you were pregnant. You know your body best and we'll just avoid points that are contraindicated in pregnancy." The students gave me the treatment and later, when they were removing the needles, they asked to see my ears ("We have an assignment to look at your ears," they said).

The next week I told them that I was pregnant and they told me what the deal was with my ears. Apparently, according to acupuncture (or Traditional Chinese Medicine) different parts of the ear correspond to different parts of the body (same as the foot, hand, and tongue). They were looking at the part of my ear that corresponds to the uterus. If it was particularly dark and vascular it would indicate either pregnancy or menstruation. Interesting, eh?

So weeks later a new student clinician was putting some needles in my ears and she commented on how vascular they were. She pointed out that the right ear was much more veiny than the left and that matched my pulse (according to them, my right wrist has a stronger pulse than the left). Supposedly this can tell you the sex of the baby--like yin and yang. So according to my acupuncturist Scott and I are going to have a boy! Isn't that interesting? Who knows if they're right. I guess only time will tell.

So I've posted our ears (Scott's are there for comparison, even though he doesn't have a uterus) and you should look at the top portion of the ear, particularly around the shadowed triangular area toward the temple. That's probably clear as mud, so maybe this chart will help.

'Ears to our new baby! And by the way, don't all these ears look like hearts?

Patrick's Point

2006-08-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

This is about as organized as we'll get for a family photo.

Opa shows Max and Sam what's in the tide pools.

Tie dying!

Michael contemplates what's in his pocket (I'm guessing either goldfish or agates).

Max and Dad run for safety from high tide.

Dylan tries out for the Baywatch sequel.